and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
