i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Randomize
