tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
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