Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
He did a backflip because drugs
Randomize