Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Randomize
