Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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