I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
