Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
NoShamevember. You game?
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
