cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
