You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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