things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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