if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
