What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Congratulations! We have a period
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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