I think I am morally bankrupt
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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