the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Just puked most of my soul out..
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
