I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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