I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Randomize
