i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
do herpes really smell.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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