everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Boobs are out for the taking
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
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