Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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