I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
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