So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
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