I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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