Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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