Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Randomize
