I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
