I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize