apparently the secret to your success is patron
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
