everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
