I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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