So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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