Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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