my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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