I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
So here I am, sexting at work.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
