Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
