did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Shitshow foam night was such a success
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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