I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
