I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize