dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
