I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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