just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Randomize
