I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
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