Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize
