So drunk, too bad you don't want this
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
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