to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
