You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
