apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
