my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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