Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Randomize