Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Randomize
