I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
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