I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
