You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
