so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
