I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
