I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I puked a lego.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
