Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
